Okay, calm down. One at a time!

Der.
I have so many things to do around here that I can't seem to pick just one (or four) to work on. I've been doing a little of this and a little of that, and now the apartment is way messier than it was when I started.
Going to pick one thing. Okay, the kitchen. Finish that before hanging any new shelves or building anything else.

Sheesh!

Yeah, and I have actually painted my toe nails, too!

It's 3:15 and my headache has finally gone away. Fuck! I didn't think I was that drunk last night, though I barely remember going to bed. Mostly, I think it was the fact that I drank wine in the afternoon and a lot of beer. I know the rule-Never mix the grape and the grain-I did not follow the rule. I pay the price. Meh. I had fun damnit! That's what life's about.

Missing the fella awful bad. Six days and no word. Yes, I wish he'd call, but at the same time, I know he needs his space as do I. It'd just be nice. I know that some of my girlfriends would be so mad at him if they read this, but I am not mad at him. I figure that he needs some feeling of independence. He needs to feel like a man again, and I think he deserves that. He's had a shitty year and has had everyone worrying about him as though he is helpless. Because of that, he started acting helpless and letting all of us take care of him and do everything for him. That's bad for so many reasons and it's an easy trap to get caught in. From both sides.

Yeah, I miss him, but this is good.

I'm taking this time alone to get a lot of stuff done that I just never seem to allow myself to make time for. Things like painting. It's been years and years since I've done any of that. I want to move my pre-war Lionel train set into the livingroom (doesn't really go with the pin-up girl pics and naughty bedroom decor) but the shelf that I have for it is black, as are the two engines, and they won't show up, so I'm going to draw or paint city-scapes or maybe country side backdrops for the train cars. It may be cute, or it may be hokey, but both are my tastes, so that's good!
I'd also like to write again. Nothing special, just rev up my journal. I got really lazy about that too. I watch way too much tv and don't do enough for my poor suffering brain.

I hope he calls tonight, but I am going to just do my own thing and not worry about it if he doesn't. I know he loves me and misses me, but he's gotta do his own thing for awhile.

As do I.

You are so dirty!

I'm going to start making my own soaps and lotions now. I'll keep doing the resin stuff, but for the time being, I want to make good smelling stuff until it's warm enough to open the windows. The cat and fella do not like the scent of polyester resin like I do. Mmmmm!

I'm pretty excited. I've been looking online for recipes for the lotions, and it looks EASY! Like, I can walk the two blocks to the grocery store and get all of the ingredients that I need! Hooray! I love it when it's easy!! Easy is my favorite! Look who I'm dating! *rim shot*

I want to make a line for men as well. Boys like to smell good and have soft skin too! The just tend to not really like to smell like girls, so I am going to come up with macho smelling stuff. Heh. Macho always makes me laugh!

Speaking of macho. Today, I saw a truck with those rims that keep spinning when the wheels are stopped. It was just parked across the street with nobody in it and those rims were spinning really fast still. All I could think of was Scooby Doo and how when they are scared their leggs are spinning but they haven't moved yet. maybe the truck was scared of something?

Oh yeah. Soap. That was what I was talking about. yeah. I'm going to make some.

Scooter and the Big Man busted this city in half last night

Last night was my second time seeing Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, but it felt like the first time I really saw them as The E Street band. I saw them for the first time on The Rising tour which was great, but this time it seemed more like it was Bruce and His boys (and a girl)! More like a glorified bar band! Fantastic!

Getting to see him singing his version of Because The Night was so cool! I love that song and never really thought I'd ever get a chance to hear him doing it. And She's The One is always a great song!

It was funny, before the show, my two brothers, sister and sister-in-law (this was her first concert EVER) we were sitting in a bar talking about what songs we wanted to hear. Mine was Rosalita, and Mary said that Point Blank was the one going through her head. He had done Rosalita a few times on this tour, but not very often. I think two times before and hadn't done Point Blank at all. My brother kinda laughed and said (about that song) "Well, you never know, but I don't think he's doing that song anymore". Guess what songs he sang. Point Blank was a beautiful version!

He also did 10th Avenue Freeze Out which we weren't expecting because that new song Livin' In The Future kinda sounds a bit like it. I love the new song and accepted that I might just have to only get that one, but then he does 10th Ave during the encore!

Sheesh! I am just still really excited about that show!

We couldn't have been higher up, but thankfully, my brother lent me his binoculars (which I've never used at a rock show before) and so I got to see Clarence Clemmons sitting in his giant gold chair which even with my new glasses would not have been able to notice without the binocs!

I feel like such a nerd! After the show I went up to the bar to see S. while he was working. He knows that if I am excited about someone especially Bruce, that he should feign the same excitement so that I don't feel so nerdy. However, I was a bit TOO excited this time and most of the people who are "too cool to like bruce" were doing a lot of smiling and nodding so I just decided to go home and tell the kidda all about the show instead.

Still lonely.

Jeez! This sucks. Here I am in a good relationship for the most part, except for the fact that I am so lonely.
Would it be wrong to go online and try to meet someone to go do stuff with? Like, Steve can be my boyfriend, but I'd have a play friend. And not in the sexual way, just someone to go play darts with or go to the zoo with or something like that. Is that icky?

Then, on a lighter note.

I LOVE Daiso Japan!!!!!!



Okay, besides the fact that that they have tons and tons of stuff for under 8 bucks, but mostly $1.50, they have so many tools to make my resin stuff easier!!!!! I got several grinders and sand paper wheel things (see how good I am at tool talk?) that fit onto my cordless drill, so I can do stuff in 5 minutes that used to take me an hour!!! Huzzah!!!!!

Plus, I bought a pair of sponges that look like egg sandwiches! A buck fifty!!!!



I know they have a bunch of them on the West Coast, I don't know if you Easterners are as lucky, but I sure hope so! This is the best place!!! I only just discovered it a few months ago, but make a trip there every Sunday after payday!

Alone together.

I have never had to deal with someone else's depression to such a degree before. I don't think I'm any good at it. In fact, I think I suck at it and make things worse.
I want to be supportive, and think I am trying, but seem to always say the wrong things, or say them the wrong way. Sometimes, I feel like apologizing for asking how his day was, or how he's feeling. I wish I could figure it out.
He's been working for the past few days, but comes home really tired and I am supposed to cater to him or something. Well, as much as I'd love to help, I too work a lot. And hard! I get really tired after being on my feet on concrete for 8.5 hours! Maybe I want to be catered to?

I don't want to sound sexist, but has anyone else noticed that men are pretty fucking delicate? When he is sore, it's like the end of the world! When I am sore, I will say "ow" if I move funny, but I am still a friendly person. I just buck up and tough it out. I've noticed this in other men I've been around too, so I don't think it's just him. But JEEZ, we're old! We are gonna hurt a lot more often now!

But anyway, back to his being depressed. How do you keep believing that the person loves you when they don't touch you hardly ever let alone even look at you? If I feel insecure about it and say something, he gets upset and defensive. Yeah, that makes me feel MUCH more secure, doesn't it? What am I supposed to do? Just blindly believe? What if he IS getting sick of me? Do I just end up humiliated? Fuck. I hate this.

I want a handbook on how to live with and stay in love with a depressed person!!!!

Seattle, if I didn't love you, I'd hate you!

One of my favorite buildings came down today. Actually, it's coming down while I type this. I guess they waited so I'd get to see it happening. Heh.
I was certain that it'd been saved! I swear I read that they were not going to tear down the Frederick and Nelson's Stables, built in the later part of the 1800s. Apparently, only the facade will remain. At least that's something.
I am getting so tired of the way this city knocks down anything remotely cool. It all just makes me sad.



This whole neighborhood is making me sad. Sure, I am benefiting from some of it. More places to eat and drink, but so many of the buildings that I have loved over the years are disappearing.
And don't get me started on the SLUT. The name is the only good thing about it. My "low income rent" is starting to not seem so because our property taxes have been raised to pay for this thing that makes no sense for me to even use! It takes me 10 minutes to walk to work. Were I to take the SLUT, it would take me 20 minutes. Why am I paying for this thing? So people who work in this 'hood can go to lunch downtown? They'd better start thanking me for giving them a ride, damnit!

All of the cool houses will soon be gone soon, I'm sure. I don't want to leave the 'hood. I love it.






Thanks for letting me rant. I've no idea how much sense I am making. I'm just really sad. That Frederick and Nelson building would have made some really cool lofts. Now it's going to be Amazon. Feh.